Twilight Meets Psycho Psychiatrist, Take One
by ChaosInGeneral
Summary: A spoof on Twilight through the eyes of a middle-aged, mid-life crisis therapist when starting a new job as a "character" therapist. Light-hearted for now. First attempt at parody. Rated K  for CURRENT lack of violence and language. Now added to!
1. Chapter 1

A/N:

Disclaimer: We don't own nothin'—even a good control over the much abused English Language. Mr. Raeburn is ours but I have no idea where the short, stout old guy came from. We also meant no harm to the Twilight fans, though this chapter isn't very insulting.

Mild Warning: This is the second thing we've ever collaborated on and our first try at being "funny" while actual "authors" here. This is also a Mockumentory, or in other words a spoof. Also, this chapter might not be too funny. We're working on humor. Plus, I'm sick. That's normal, however, so don't worry, any pessimistic worriers of the world. Please don't slaughter us, or if you do, slaughter Cujo. He can take it. He gets flames a lot. In real life, too! I, on the other hand, shall hide. Good luck. –The Monster

Cujo: Thanks for that.

The Monster: What? You just got flames about "Cabaret".

Cujo: Yeah, well. I'm horrible at essays. I ramble. I don't like talking. I know what's good but can't copy it. Can we just move along?

The Monster: ON WITH THE SHOW. ...Before I end up with a missing throat.

Cujo: I'm not that violent. And I wasn't mad.

The Monster: I'm talking about the readers...who are probably going to hate this...

Cujo: Oh. Well. At least I can edit...I'm good at that. Anyway, you can thank Casper and Ice for forcing us to watch the movie and Casper describing her points of why the Twilight books aren't her style.

* * *

_Chapter 1: Edwin Sullen and Isabella MacKlutz Sullen, Pt. 1_

Mr. Raeburn was a stuffy, middle-aged man who currently was in a midlife crisis. He only wore tweed suits, but drove a red sports car. His wife had divorced him in the last year, yet he still had her picture on his pillow at night and talked to said picture (he also talked to his neighbors' cats, since he was so lonely).

He was also a therapist (scarily enough).

Currently, he was wandering around his office, waiting on his next client. He was wringing his hands, worried about his new job.

He'd never done anything like this before.

He was now a Character Councilor, one of the few in the entire country. The only one who had his credentials lived across the pond and in France.

He already figured he'd hate his new job, just like he'd hated his other ones.

_What was a job if you couldn't complain about it?_ That was his logic.

He finally sat down on one of the two plush chairs in his office, as his secretary, a skinny hyperactive woman named Michelle, told him that his first guests would soon arrive according to the phone call she'd received.

He groaned quietly, shaking his head at his own dilemma, as he thought about who he'd have first. First to be in his office would be Bella and Edward, two of the worst main characters known to man this century. He looked at his schedule and felt even more self pity as he realized he'd also have the dreaded Ebony from _My Immortal_, Fang and Maximum Ride from _Maximum Ride_ (he pitied that girl also), as well as a few other possibilities, who he'd been informed might not be able to come. These included Dragonfirepowerpaw from an unknown_ Warriors_ Fanfic, a Super Redheaded Wonder Woman named Bleu Sandra Marti Ryann Ride, Maximum Ride's twin sister, from an unknown _Maximum Ride_ Fanfic, and a few others.

He was booked until next week. He almost felt like crying.

"Why did I have to choose this job? I could've been a High School guy, making sure some emo guy didn't hang himself and some pregnant girl didn't take shots, but no..."

A throat cleared and he looked up to see two shockingly pretty people who oddly enough glittered like a made-in-China Disney costume.

_Did they fall into a vat of stripper glitter?_ He pondered that, not noticing the oddly flame-headed one's wince.

"Hello, good sir, I am Edward Cullen. This is my wife, Bella. Um, just to inform you our daughter and my...son-in-law...are in your waiting room. I hope that isn't a problem."

Mr. Raeburn nodded, eyes narrowing. Since when did teenagers get married and get their assumedly young daughter into an arranged marriage? _Scandalous!_ What had the author been thinking...?

_I should've read this "_Twilight_" they're out of._ He thought.

"Hi," the girl with him said, waving meekly. She seemed slightly terrified. _Odd..._

"Um, that's fine. Just sit down on the couch and we'll, uh, start I suppose," he said. He tugged at his hair, unsure of even how to start.

"You have a nice office," the girl, Bella, said randomly.

"Thanks..." he said, gulping.

"All right... Care to tell me about yourselves?" he asked them both, noting the oddly stiff posture and unblinking eyes of both of them.

_Freaks...we have freaks..._

"Well, I'm Edward Cullen. I was born in 1901 on..."

"WHAT?" To say Mr. Raeburn was shocked would be an understatement.

This Edward person blinked finally, seeming confused.

"Weren't you told we were vampires?"

"Vampires...?"

Edward nodded, grinning. _Well, at least they don't have fangs and haven't tried to eat me yet..._

"Well, that's different. Do you...?" Mr. Raeburn wasn't sure how to phrase that question. So, do you eat humans? Drain them of blood? Are Spanish decent humans spicy to the taste? What were you supposed to say?

This Edward character frowned at him, like he could read his mind._ Creepy..._

"You know," Mr. Raeburn said, in a squeaky voice, "how about we move to the next topic?"

"Sure," Edward said, voice oddly cold. "And we only drink from animals."

"The vegans must hate you," Mr. Raeburn said with a chuckle, "sometimes I swear they wish to be cannibals."

Edward blinked once again, looking confused. "What is a _vegan_?"

Now Mr. Raeburn was confused. "You know those people who look like heaps of soggy leaf trimmings that have oddly large numbers of tattoos and piercings? The ones who only eat vegetables and non-animal based products and stuff like that?"

Edward just stared.

Mr. Raeburn sat back, feeling more uncomfortable than ever.

"So...you're married? Care to tell me how your relationship is? And, um, why you're here for therapy, actually... The latter you could start with..."

Edward rolled his eyes. "We're here because Jasper thinks we're odd. Imagine that. He was the one who actually attacked the love of my life."

"Edward..." Bella chastened, even as she continued to look oddly pleased, like a cat that got its cream.

_What a weird couple..._

Edward growled and he let out a whimper, sinking further back into his chair.

"And why did he attack Miss Cullen?" he asked, beginning to write down things on his notepad, for later reference.

"She got a paper cut."

"A paper cut?"

"Well, yes. He could smell the blood..."

"But she's a vampire how could she have been bleed—"

"She was originally human."

"May I ask how?"

"I bit her and she turned."

Mr. Raeburn gulped.

"Okay. And I assume now that couldn't happen, because she doesn't have blood?"

"Yes."

"I also assume she never could come over a few days out of the month, either, when she was human?" he asked, honestly curious.

Neither of them said anything, looking at each other in blatant confusion.

_This is going to be heck... Why didn't I become a doctor like my mother wanted?_

"My father is a doctor!" Edward said randomly.

He blinked. _You can read minds?_

"Yep..."

His eye twitched.

"And, I'm also curious how could you have a daughter if you don't have blood circulating, Edward—"

Edward hissed. "Leave it alone! We can't explain it."

"Okay..." Raeburn said, awkwardly.

He was beginning to see why this Jasper sent them to him. They didn't seem to have normal character faults, but they were rather odd...

At that moment, Edward decided to burst into song. He was singing some random Romantic tune and Bella was basking in the glow. He stopped after his voice went hoarse and he realized Mr. Raeburn was hiding under his table, shaking.

"I suggest you go to another psychiatrist. Mrs. Greene is a very good one. I think she could handle your case better."

_2 Weeks Later_

_Dear, Mr. Raeburn_

_This is Jill Greene, as I assume you've realized. I have dealt with most of Edward and Bella's problems myself, but I wish for you to also deal with them (since I can't handle them on my own). I know you are a novice to this...unique type of work, so I'm sorry you had to deal with these right off the bat. I mean, their movie was awful._

_Anyway, here is the list of character faults I have found:_

_Edward:_

_Self-loathing; a certain lack of previous history before Bella; he is pointed out repeatedly to be perfect, even though he seems to be abusive to Bella in certain way; his hatred of most people; his onetime wish to kill his daughter; the fact he wanted to kill his wife; and his few abilities and faults._

_Bella:_

_Self-loathing (it's bad when both husband and wife have this trait), a dislike for mortality, a dislike of humans, a dislike of normalcy, her abnormal vampire habits (this includes Edward), her weird Stockholm Syndrome like love of Edward, her leading on tendency with her now son-in-law, her ability to cook but inability to walk (she should be burned quite often), her suicidal tendencies that stem from nothing more than a man leaving her (she needs to realize she doesn't need a man to live, basically), etc._

_I hope this helps you in some way. I hate to say it, but the whole family is a mess. The only true three-dimensional character I can find is the person called Jasper. The other blond male, however, kept yelling out about how he was a doctor, the brunette female kept trying to hug me, the werewolf that is the son-in-law is oddly obsessed with the their daughter who is merely a few years old, etc. I am quite worried but I know you should be able to handle it._

_Oh, and know Edward is a mind reader. If you didn't watch the movie, too—forced into it by my nieces, I was—then you may not have known that._

_Sincerely, Jill_

Mr. Raeburn stared at the letter for another few minutes and groaned.

She was sending them back?

Michelle then poked her head in, smiling wildly. "I have coffee! And Snickers! And we have a male tortoiseshell cat that believes in the Great Beyond outside! He can talk! It's amazing!"

"Send him in?" Mr. Raeburn asked, as he snatched a Snickers bar out of her hands. He needed a pick-me-up.

He seriously hoped this one was better than the last.

* * *

The Monster: So how did you like it? Feel free to tell us in a well-worded non-flame based review. I love fire, but...

Cujo: In other words, feel free to flame but don't give him a flame thrower for the love of all things good and holy, okay? Anyway, next we'll be spoofing Warriors. We're spoofing the stuff our buddies write about, basically. It's fun. Plus we're knocking off all those funny authors we love. Oh, and Mr. Raeburn came out of nowhere, so whoever owns him...sorry?

The Monster: So, yeah. Hope you enjoyed it. The Nightfall people will be back...

Cujo: TWILIGHT.

The Monster: Okay, Twilight people will be back sooner or later, after the dual My Immortal and Maximum Ride stuff. Actually, we might add Warriors to those two as well. Then we'll do Twilight again... Then probably Flight 29 Down. Hit all the bases; make fun of at least one thing we liked as kids... Then we'll bring in Mary and let her talk. Then we celebrate Anathemas Day...

Cujo: I think they get it. Adios, freaks.

The Monster: If you're mean to them they won't review...

Cujo: When am I nice?

The Monster: You may have a point. See ya next time. Next time will be housed in a different fanfic, since this is purely Twilight and the other will be crossovers. I don't know...we'll see.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N:_

_The Monster: So... I think we waited too long to update this._

_Cujo: Ya think?_

_The Monster: No one really liked it (except for one person, and thanks for saying we made you laugh), so I wasn't sure I wanted to keep writing (anyway)._

_Cujo: If we went by that rule of thumb, we'd cease to exist... _

_The Monster: Ha ha, very funny. Anyway, we were pretty busy. Well, I was...mostly with school. I have no idea what he was up to, though. Probably scaring small children and kicking puppies._

_Cujo: I never!_

_The Monster: Sure, sure. Anyway, enjoy. _

_Cujo: Just between me and you, I blame the fact this hasn't gotten written is because we're in The Exorcist right about now._

Disclaimer: We don't own much of anything, especially Twilight. ...The Monster does own a cat (who has a part time job as a portable lab warmer, which isn't as dirty as it sounds—_reeeally_), but other than that I can't come up with anything.

_The Monster: Dude, you just rhymed. Have you been watching G...what's the show that just had that song you like on it...?_

_Cujo: No comment?_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter Two: A Good Reason for the Username Beware of Dogs**

"What is that SMELL?" That was the first thing Mr. Raeburn asked as he walked into his office's waiting room. It smelled like ammonia...or a stink bomb...a mix of the two, perhaps?

"Um, yeah, I don't really know. I think something may have died under the couch...or that wolf may have peed on it..." Melanie said, her voice muffled as she tried to talk through one of her designer scarves.

He still didn't get how a two foot long piece of cloth could be designer. But he wasn't a woman. _Thank the lord..._

Unfortunately, his leather sofa was probably ruined. It smelled like that goat cheese his Aunt Mildred had once tried to sneak back into the country from Austria. Why? How would he know; she was certifiably insane, most definitely.

"Well, can we get someone to get it out of here before our first guests arrive?" he questioned dryly, annoyance creeping into his tone from the stress of it all.

He was going to go bald. Well, balder.

"Um, sir, I don't think that will help anything."

"...Pardon?"

"Woof!"

His heart jumped in his chest as he spotted the dark, chocolate-colored wolf in the corner. When had wolves started coming in _brown_? Weren't they like supposed to be from black to white?

Of course, who knows? His sister was the biology major, not him.

He also hated animals...

"MELANIE! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" he shrieked in alarm, debating jumping on top of the desk nearest to him.

He'd dealt with the freaky XXY cat, but this? No, no, NO.

"That's Jacob Black..."

"...The son-in-law...?" he questioned, paling.

...Bestiality...seriously? He'd have to suggest the author got some...help, too.

"Yeah," Melanie said, and then muttered under her breath about how her family had threatened to disown her because her boyfriend had a _tattoo_.

"Um, he's a wolf?"

"Werewolf," Melanie corrected him, still holding the scarf over her mouth.

"Why did he mark the office?"

"He did it yesterday. I think. Maybe out of spite... I think he was trying to pee on the auburn-haired, mannequin-stiff one. I wouldn't know. That's what the raven said, but I didn't believe him."

"What raven?" Mr. Raeburn asked, looking around wildly for the latest—a _bird_.

More people needed to watch _The Birds_. They needed to know what they were up against!

...Maybe _Psycho_.

"He wanted an appointment. I said we didn't do birds," Melanie said, before going back to her work.

A cup of espresso and a doughnut were left unattended, but with the stench even he didn't want to eat, even if it was free (stolen) food.

"You know what's sad, though?" Melanie asked.

"What?" he asked, somewhat wary now.

"He said Animal Control said the exact SAME thing to his buddy."

"His buddy...?"

"Yeah, a mockingbird if I remember right...

_This is insanity..._

"How many people do I have to see today?" he asked.

"Um..." Melanie checked her computer. "Jacob Black, Leah Clearwater, Seth Clearwater, and...Alice Cullen? Odd mix... All suggested to go here by Jasper Hale."

_I have to meet this Jasper person at some point...hug him...or give him a black eye..._

He pressed a hand over his eyes. "Okay. Tell...Mr. Black that I'll see him in fifteen minutes. And do something about that bloody couch!"

With that, Mr. Raeburn flounced out of the room, into his office, and slammed the door, almost mimicking an old classmate, Dave of the Purple Truck, perfectly.

He'd always been melodramatic.

Maybe it was the truck...

/

"So, you're Jacob Black?" Mr. Raeburn asked, as he glanced dolefully at his snack cabinet.

Luckily, in his room, nothing stank, amazingly enough. He wasn't sure if he wanted to give into his sweet tooth urges though, yet, just in case...

He did have the perp that was to blame across the room from him, after all.

"Um, yes, sir," Jacob Black mumbled. "I'm sorry about your couch, by the way," he added.

"It's...fine," he said, awkwardly. "Care to tell me why you think you're here?"

"Well, Jasper said it was because I was obsessed with Bella."

"Do you always do what he says?"

"He's very persuasive."

"Uh huh..." Mr. Raeburn didn't like that. No one should be forced into therapy...

Well, you know...if they didn't plan to throw themselves off a building in a Bat Man suit, at least.

"Do you think you're obsessed with Bella?" he asked, trying to look at anything but the mutt in front of him.

The indecent dress of the boy was highly annoying. He didn't need some lawsuit because some kid thought he was interested.

_Bestiality is so not my thing..._

Plus, he was still in love with his wife. No sir, he wasn't going to get dragged into a sawsuit that included a pedophile-like werewolf, where he was seen as the pedophile.

That would be redundant, wouldn't it?

"You know, we have a sign on the door...it says no shirt, no service..."

"Oh, right!" the Native said, and he magically produced a shirt (a highly revolting one, neon green one) out of thin air and put it on.

He wasn't sure what it was supposed to be. The art on the front looked like a printer problem mixed with a serial killer.

He squeaked, anyway.

What was_ wrong _with these people?

And since when did young men where neon green shirts?

Eh, he focused back on the Twinkies in his snack cabinet.

No bother. People were just odd. He'd learned that in his line of work.

"I suppose you have that issue a lot?"

"Yeah, once I got arrested. Can you imagine that? Darn fem-Nazis. ...Just because they can't go without shirts on... Maybe it's because I said she wasn't as good-looking as Bella...?"

Mr. Raeburn just blinked as the whole building shook and a blood-curdling shriek sounded around the office.

"Don't wake them up! They're like zombies—except they castrate!" he whisper-yelled and he jumped to his feet and looked out the window.

_...More people that look like soggy bags of leaf trimmings..._

"Sorry," Jacob whispered, looking scarred for life.

Oops.

"You have to remember, we're in purgatory. In between reality and media...you have to be careful who you talk about."

Jacob B. nods. "Yes, sir..."

"All right...back to your problems..."

/

To say Jacob was an odd case was, well, without a doubt. He'd peed on his couch out of wolf instinct, after all. But he was an okay kid. Maybe a little too big for his britches and a little obsessed with someone he could never have (and really shouldn't have) and said person's daughter, but you could only blame the author.

Kind of like you could only blame the parents if they sent their child to be part of a secret scientific project called HAVEN and the kids ended up in an apocalyptic setting.

What? Sure he knew about that. Everyone did. It was common knowledge after the MaD AUTHORS SUPPORT GROUP (MaD standing for _morbid and disturbed_). You just had to be careful about who you mentioned that to...lest you ended up with The Shop after you...

I shuddered at that and decided to purposefully change my trail of thought.

_I'll be sure to do his paperwork soon...maybe when I get home...same with Bella and..._

"HI-YAAA!"

To say he was expecting a round-house kick, one that knocked him right out of his desk chair, after that would be a lie. He needed to be more careful. Of course, he was too dazed to really have many clear thoughts about now. All he could do was stare at the ceiling...

_Huh, I'm on my back..._

"LEAH! How many times do I have to tell you to stop attacking people? SHEESH!" a childish, yet masculine (of all things), voice exclaimed.

* * *

_A/N: _

_The Monster: Yeah...I know...short...and not very hilarious... Well, compared to "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". But, really, how can you beat man-eating rabbits and discussions on coconuts migrating?_

_Cujo: Eh, who cares?_

_The Monster: If we went by _that _logic, we'd both be __dead__._

_Cujo: True that._

_The Monster: Stop sounding gangster. And anyway, we hope you enjoyed this...just not _too _much._

_Cujo: Yeah, otherwise...what the freak's wrong with you?_

_The Monster: -Facepalms- I think he was talking about the _enjoying it too much _thing. But anyhow, thanks for reading. -Gives Cujo a look-_

_Cujo: Yeah thanks._

_The Monster: Good dog. Maybe you'll get a dog biscuit (review) now!_

_Cujo: Eh._


End file.
